Regional News

As I’ve got older, more cynical and altogether more misanthropic I find myself increasingly surprised by how much of a soft spot I have for regional news programming. It’s as if my understanding for what’s terrible is somehow unaffected by smiley small-town blandness and aimless reports about vandalised road signs and vegetables that look like people.

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Halloween Movie & TV Marathon 2012

Halloween has really snuck up on me this year and so I’m staying in and making my way through a stack of films and horribly dated TV programmes. I’m not even going to dress up; I’m just going to sit here drinking Co-operative’s “red flavour” wine and eating some seasonal branded Jaffa Cake bars, which are all green and have cobwebs on the packaging.

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Rush Limbaugh

Back in 2009, US authorities discovered a bottle of Viagra in Rush Limbaugh’s bag at Palm Beach International Airport. Rush’s need for such medication is hardly a surprise, of course. He is sixty-two, after all, and his protruding shoot of a penis must surely be sandwiched between his heavy sprawling gut, and the cushiony blubber that defines his pubic region. Every time he has sex, his pocket-sized tool has to arduously swim against the current of a lifetime’s worth of lard before it emerges visibly on the other side. And even then, it still might not be long enough to be used for penetration or, as I suspect, self-gratification.

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