Ryan Reynolds: Darker Than the Deepest Sea

I like Ryan Reynolds, and therefore can’t help but fear for his wellbeing. He doesn’t look like he used to. What became of the smiles and the frolicking? I’ve noticed, in recent months, that Marks & Spencer’s have been pryingly documenting Reynolds’ descent into depression, seemingly from afar. A long way from his performance as the party liaison Van Wilder, Reynolds now regularly wanders the streets, wearing nothing but Marks & Spencer’s clothing, with his fashionable yet unappealing girlfriend. His expression says it all.

Here the handsome Definitely, Maybe star looks on with regret. Sure, he looks fabulous, but style has come at a rather humiliating price. He wraps his arm around his girlfriend, but his body language tells a different story. He’s tired of Marks & Spencer’s, of her. He wants to go home, preferably without the bane of his existence constantly correcting his collar and hair. Her hand pressed against his cashmere-cladded man teat makes Ryan want to collapse in tears, to hang himself with his tonal stripe scarf. This woman, so dreadfully obsessed with her appearance, is smothering him. She means nothing to Ryan.

A kiss is torture for Ryan. She wants him not for his roles in such films as Just Friends and The Proposal, but because he is draped head to toe in Marks & Spencer’s clothing. As he leans towards her, he catches her checking her own appearance in the reflection of his eyes. She’s so disgustingly vain, he thinks to himself, overwhelmed by the sickly scent of Bulge, Marks & Spencer’s latest brand of aftershave. Ryan wouldn’t have chosen it himself, but he now wears it regularly on the insistence of the M&S checkout assistant, and the woman that he pretends to love.

Like the roots of a tree, her fingers intertwined with his. Ryan can hardly mask his disgust. In this loveless relationship, they feel like thin, Armani-soaked witchetty grubs, twisting into his palm like a parasite. The subject of children arises, but Ryan remains quiet. He has no desire to bring a child into this world—a world in which Ryan Gosling is celebrated as a fine actor, yet Ryan Reynolds is forced to walk the streets with such a foul human being. No, he thinks to himself, this is no place for children.

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