Back in 2009, US authorities discovered a bottle of Viagra in Rush Limbaugh’s bag at Palm Beach International Airport. Rush’s need for such medication is hardly a surprise, of course. He is sixty-two, after all, and his protruding shoot of a penis must surely be sandwiched between his heavy sprawling gut, and the cushiony blubber that defines his pubic region. Every time he has sex, his pocket-sized tool has to arduously swim against the current of a lifetime’s worth of lard before it emerges visibly on the other side. And even then, it still might not be long enough to be used for penetration or, as I suspect, self-gratification.
Of course Limbaugh would require Viagra. Naturally, he’d need several wheelbarrows full of the stuff. It goes without saying. Although given Rush’s Viagra dependency, it was surprising to hear his recent comments on Georgetown University student Sandra Fluke. For publicly defending the White House policy of forcing insurance companies to provide contraception, Limbaugh described Fluke as a “slut” and a “prostitute”. He then suggested that she post sex tapes of herself online, presumably so that he could personally enjoy them.
I’ll apologise now for making you think of Rush Limbaugh with an erection. To imagine Limbaugh ejaculating, I know, is to picture a particularly inflamed boil being lanced. Except, the by-product expelled from Rush is far more disgusting and foul. In fact, it’s called “Limbaugh” and it’s also the noise that he bellows when it’s produced (“LIMBAUGH!”).
But to be fair to Rush, he did publicly apologise to Sandra. He acknowledged that it was inappropriate to call her those words, before labeling her a sex addict instead. It seems that Rush is somewhat unfamiliar with how the pill works. He believes that the more sex you have, the more pills you have to take. To him, it would seem, the pill is the female equivalent to Viagra, not contraceptive medication. He also doesn’t appear to be aware of some of the other reasons why women take the pill. Sandra’s argument was actually based on a friend of hers who could not afford the contraception that she needed to stop the growth of cysts, not her irrepressible promiscuity that Rush invented for his own sexual amusement.
A visit to Rush’s website proves that he could not care less about small technicalities, like the truth. Amusingly, he speaks into a golden microphone on his show, as if anything else simply would not do. He non-ironically refers to his programme as “Excellence In Broadcasting”, and his site’s main picture features him smoking a cigar while looking like a malignant testicle. He’s merely a provocateur that entertains people with lies. Oh, and his penis doesn’t work either.
He’ll always be an influential conservative—riling up his listeners and spreading bile more odious than the substance that spills out of his penis after he’s taken several crates of Viagra—but then again, he’ll always be a massively unlikable cunt. And although I have no proof of this, I feel that it’s my duty to report that Rush himself is indeed a prostitute and a slut. In fact, he’s a gay prostitute (which is the worst type of prostitute, isn’t it?). Like Rush, I base this accusation, not on facts, but on things that I have read on the internet, and statements from Rush that I have chosen to misinterpret.
The truth of the matter is that many men have reported seeing Limbaugh in gay bars over the years. Now, I don’t believe that it’s speculation to assume that he was there to sleep with other men for money. Why else would he be there if not to be anally penetrated for money? It is the only possible explanation. And I type these words on a golden keyboard so that you know what I am saying is true. He is a gigantic slut and a whore, although not a commercially viable one because he has to be regularly administered Viagra to stay hard. But make no mistake, he is still a whore. He’s fat as well. He’s a fat whore.