Ad Nauseum

I opened Spotify this morning and this image filled my screen:

I suppose this is why people become photographers -- to feed their deep-seated lust for erotic poultry.

This is glamour model and professional turkey baster Lucy Pinder, presenting herself whilst tending to an enormous, varnished turkey. What, would you guess, is this image advertising? Turkey perhaps? Underwear? Kitchens?

Well, if you look to the left you’ll see a small metal container with “LYNX dry” written on. This is an advert for deodorant, obviously. Because, I suppose, men sweat when they’re confronted with confusing imagery like this.

LYNX call this ad campaign “premature perspiration”, like during sex, when a man accidentally ejaculates before his partner has had the chance to pretend that she was enjoying it. Except, it’s not that at all because this is called premature “perspiration” and not “ejaculation”.

It’s actually kind of funny when you choose not to think about it. Although, when you do, you realise that premature perspiration kind of implies that women are sexually aroused by sweaty men, but not all the time — it has to be right for her. Perhaps LYNX are right, I don’t know. Perhaps that’s why their deodorant is shit and predominately used by the kind of people who own Jeremy Clarkson’s “Thriller” on DVD and teenage boys who want to half-mask the smell of teenage boy in their bedrooms.

Or, pocket bullshit.

Anyway, in other words: the campaign is a bit crap. But I can definitely see why LYNX have chosen Lucy Pinder to promote their fragrance, right guys? I don’t know about you, but if I saw her in the street I’d wind my window down and shout out “whey!” so random strangers knew that I was a heterosexual man.

It’s easy to see why she’s so popular; she certainly has two breasts and face, not to mention nipples. And most of her pictures seem to consist of her smiling like a friendly, pint-pouring barmaid whilst staring into the camera with dead, lifeless eyes — almost as if she’s directly staring at the thousands upon thousands of masturbating louts that make up her fan base.

Understandably, LYNX are trying to tap into this demographic of sexually frustrated Nuts and Zoo readers, self-electing their company as the official scent of masturbation.

LYNX aren’t the only ones attempting to appeal a specific group of people, whilst ultimately alienating anybody who isn’t part of their target demographic. The people who manufacture Kopparberg seem to have a similar marketing strategy in their latest series of ad campaigns. But whereas LYNX seem to be gearing towards sweaty wankers, Kopparberg believes that idiots are the demographic that they’d like to be associated with their drink.

Whereas most ads for alcoholic drinks, specifically lagers and beers, suggest that swigging their brand of carbonated piss will make you not gay and generally much more gross and obnoxious, Kopparbeg couldn’t care less as long as you’re stupid enough to kneel in front of your television and lick the screen.

Unfortunately for Kopparberg, Daryl Brinton, a low-level paper clip co-ordinator from Dorset, was stupid enough to actually try this. But rather than experiencing the refreshing taste of Kopparberg, Daryl was electrocuted and his tongue became welded to the set. After weeks of being literally glued to his TV, Daryl passed away having spent the remaining weeks of his life unintentionally watching a Paramount Comedy marathon of Two and a Half Men.

Not content with persuading customers to get down on all fours so that they can lick their televisions, Kopparberg recently altered their advertising strategy, deciding it was more profitable to target a more pretentious, fashion-conscious breed of idiot. Much like the LYNX ads, Spotify was where I was first exposed to the new Kopparberg campaign. “It’s finding 300 people in room that only fits 50,” says the voice in the ad. “It’s finding a crowd who think every night is Friday night.”

It might be hard to believe, but for somebody as aloof and out of touch as myself, these two things don’t sound particularly appealing, but then I suppose Kopparberg don’t want to be associated with people like me. They want their drink to be consumed in large quantities by people with authentic early-’90s shoegazer haircuts, who wear shoes without socks — presumably because they sold their last remaining pair of socks to pay for their authentic early-’90s shoegazer haircut. They want to attract people who use the word “party” as a verb and people who aren’t perpetually offended by the existence of other people. They want to entice hip youngsters — or “hipsters” if you like.

I’m not sure what drink manufacturers would target at somebody like myself — a flat, label-less, nondescript ale or Horlicks perhaps — either way it definitely would not be Kopparberg. Kopparberg is less of a drink and more of a way of life for these carefree young people. Kopparberg gives these people the strength to endure being 1 of 300 people packed into a room that only fits 50. It makes them genuinely believe that every night is Friday night and that wearing thick-framed glasses without lenses isn’t a punishable offense.

Idiots and hipsters are one thing, but Sky Sports have taken their campaign to the next level, a campaign they’ve christened “operation douche bag”. With operation douche bag in action, Sky Sports are hoping to appeal to the absolute worst people in the world.

Billboards for the channel’s “Sky Sports Mobile” service show a man holding his iPhone in front of his face during completely inappropriate moments, refusing to acknowledge his surroundings and instead living entirely though depressing, soulless sporting coverage.

One ad features said man at a wedding, holding his iPhone up to the bride and groom and imagining that the happy couple are a pair of over-paid golfers embracing each other. Another sees him shopping in a supermarket, holding his iPhone up to the checkout girl’s face and pretending that she’s a shamed, sexist sporting commentator, who surprisingly still works for Sky Sports. And in one particularly insensitive ad he’s even seen holding his iPhone up to his wife’s face as the two of them make love, his wife sobbing her eyes out as she wonders why she ever agreed to marry somebody with a Sky Sports Mobile subscription.

Admittedly, that last one doesn’t exist, but it does sum up the general tone of the campaign, which is surprisingly homoerotic at times. The entire series of billboards chronicles the life of one man with an iPhone, pretending that the women that he meets from day to day are actually men engaging in strenuous physical activity.

The later ones tend to get a little blue...

The underlying problem with all these ads is that, while they probably are effective at impressing, amusing and titillating their target demographics, they ultimately alienate people who aren’t idiots, hipsters or sociopaths. Kopparberg, for example, doesn’t look like a drink that 300 people crammed into a building that only fits 50 would drink. Kopparberg doesn’t come in a snazzy-looking bottle or have a cool logo; it looks like a drink that people who aren’t self-obsessed, fashion-obessed dicks might actually want to drink. Yet those are the kind of people who are likely to throw up a little in their mouths at the very sight of Kopparberg’s latest ad.

Spotify advertises in pretty much the same way, intermittently treating listeners to overly-compressed ads that have no relation to the listeners’ tastes. For instance, the video below was screen captured from Spotify by myself.

I don’t know why Spotify thought I’d appreciate the music of somebody who calls themselves Pitbull, but they blindly presumed that I probably would, deciding that the best way to goad me into buying the album was to play me short samples of the songs at twice the volume that I generally listen to music at. As far as they’re concerned what’s not to like, eh? Look, his album cover is a photograph of a woman with sunglasses for breasts and a face on her torso. Classy.

Granted, I’m struggling to think of an advert that’s actually made me go out and buy the product. Maybe I’m giving myself too much credit, but I’d like to feel that I’m immune to advertisers’ ploys to make me believe that buying a drink is going to make me fit in or feel cooler. Perhaps it would be a little easier to sucker people in if advertisers would stop trying to appeal to such twats.

Take my own self-penned ad for Kopparberg, for example:

We open with a shot of a walking advert for Topman. We then cut over to a group of friends, BRIAN, GEORGE, SARAH, LAURA, are sat in a pub.

Look at that twat over there. What a twat he is.

Mmm, this Kopparberg is really nice.

Yeah, it’s lovely, isn’t it?

I’ll tell you what I like about it; I like how it doesn’t appeal to twats. It’s just a drink in a bottle.

I agree.

The friends all take a sip of their drinks. The Kopparberg logo appears on screen.



Isn’t that much more appealing?

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