Imagine how overwhelmed with emotion I was when the cover for F.A.R.T The Movie caught my eye in the bargain section of CEX. The title alone was enough to justify the purchase, surely? Fart, I thought to myself, has a movie? The legends were true!
I immediately assumed that this was a film for hardcore fartmeisters only — for those who find the action of methane gas being forced out of an anus not only watchable, but also shamelessly amusing — but F.A.R.T. The Movie is surprisingly accessible to non-fart fans. Sure, there’s moderate references to fart, even some fart sounds, but it’s definitely not the 90-minute fartarama that I initially expected.
As it happens, there are actually two films called F.A.R.T. The Movie. Firstly, there’s the 1991 F.A.R.T. The Movie in which there’s literally one joke: somebody farts, which, in itself, isn’t really a joke. But despite this they repeat it, over and over again, for seems like forever. It’s just fart joke after fart joke, as if the film has selective amnesia and keeps blissfully forgetting that it has already made the same exact joke a several hundred times before.
If a 5-year-old child were to have worked on the 1991 F.A.R.T. The Movie, then chances are they would have questioned the maturity of the humour. It’s so staggeringly unfunny that I’m actually starting to question if it’s a comedy at all, and not some sort of grotesque, fart-based fetish video.
The second and more recent (2000) F.A.R.T. The Movie, which seems to have understandably adopted the more respectable title Artie, is the film that I purchased in CEX. Surprisingly, it’s not that bad — for a film called F.A.R.T. The Movie.
Artie, a geriatric Nicholas Lyndhurst lookalike, has a medical condition; whenever he’s excited or nervous, he becomes physically incapable of preventing the muscles in his rectum from unleashing a potent, quite nasty blast of flatulence. Despite Artie’s age, he has somehow managed to enroll at college, where he now spends much of his time drinking and attempting to seduce uninterested females. He lives with his two buddies Kevin (Farley) and Scooter. Kevin, as I’m sure you’ve already guessed, is the big, fat party guy; Scooter likes sex. This is as much as I can say about Scooter.
Within the first 15 minutes of the film or so, Artie meets a girl called Emily Miller. There’s immediately chemistry between the two of them, despite the fact that Artie smells like crap and looks like a 57-year-old fetus. Emily is by far the most attractive, intelligent and likable character in the film, which, unfortunately for her, leaves her playing second fiddle to generic “hot girl” Andrea Parker, an undeniably sexy, sassy bowl full ‘o’ bitch. Andrea dates Artie’s archnemesis, Johnny, who despite his best efforts to be a threatening, thuggish bully, looks and acts like he’s just walked off the set of West Side Story.
The film cuts to Andrea knocking on her friend’s door. There’s a pause before her friend finally answers, wearing few clothes. Suspicious, Andrea pushes the door open further to reveal a gratified Johnny in her bed. Seemingly unfased by Andrea’s sudden appearance — possibly because he thinks he’s about to have a threesome — Johnny raises a smirk. Andrea is humiliated and runs away.
“Come back to bed, baby. She’ll be fine,” says Johnny, unconcerned.
Meanwhile, Emily receives a She’s All That-style make over. Artie can’t believe his eyes and the two of them head over to Emily’s grandparents’ house for a meal of hotdog and beans and cabbage and radish soup. Obviously.
Emily’s grandfather immediately takes a disliking to Artie and threatens to shoot him if he ever has his way his granddaughter. Towards the end of the meal, Artie goes to the bathroom to relieve himself. So he doesn’t completely intoxicate the bathroom, he decides that poking his skinny buttocks out of the window and letting rip is a good idea.
Later, after the meal, Artie meets Andrea at a bar. Dejected, Andrea turns to Artie for support and ends up dancing for him. The dance is confusing. There’s gyrations and some flailing, yet Artie seems to enjoy it.
The pair of them head back to Artie’s room to neck and possibly more. Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door and Emily walks in.
Prepare yourself for the following image. This will be chiseled into your brian for eternity. If you’ve ever wondered what happens to you after you die, well, there’s nothing. You lie suspended in a bottomless void and there’s blackness. Except if you’ve seen the image below. If you’ve seen the image below, this is what you see, as you lie there, forever, in a bottomless void of nothingness. Nothingness, except for this image that is.
Okay, scroll down a bit.
So there he stands, cupping his micro-sized genitals with his hands whilst resembling a fleshy, old C-3PO. Distraught, Emily runs away to bleach her tortured eyeballs with Artie shamelessly scuttling after her. Emily runs into her room as Artie tries desperately to explain why he was inertly standing in Andrea’s room naked with his hands on his penis.
Unsurprisingly, Emily would rather forget that there’s a naked, foul-smelling man stood outside her door and refuses to answer. Artie returns to his room to put his clothes back on. He no longer feels like making love to Andrea, despite Andrea’s best efforts to seduce him again. For no real reason, Andrea asks Artie if he loves Emily and as if the idea has just entered his head, he says yes.
He’s shown very little interest in her up until this point, but considering somebody asked, then okay, I suppose. He genuinely believes that yes, yes he loves her. For no reason at all, suddenly he loves her.
Sensing Artie’s longing for her, Andrea speaks to Emily and amazingly manages to convince her that Artie is a great guy who genuinely cares for her. She tells Emily to go outside and there Artie stands with a small group of people. He holds up a sign that says: “I LOVE YOU EMILY,” and runs up to greet her.
“I know you won’t believe this,” he says with a smirk, “but after you ran away, I got dressed and left.”
Take me! Take me now!
“These,” he says, “are for you.”
“They’re so beautiful.” Emily smiles and tears start to form in her eyes.
“I knew the night I waited 3 years for,” he says “was not worth a lifetime with you.”
“S-s-so, you walked away?!” she asks.
“I walked away,” he replies. “I love you.”
“…I love you, too!” she cries, like a moron.
And with that, they kiss. The credits roll.
A band that sound like The Replacements, except awful, starts to play. “Hey, I know this life ain’t so easy!” wails the singer. Too true. Life is not easy, especially when you have a medical condition that renders the muscles around your rectum defunct.
So that, my friends, was F.A.R.T. The Movie, a tale of sex, love and gas. Now, personally, I didn’t enjoy the film very much. Perhaps that’s what I get for having such hopes for film called F.A.R.T. The Movie. But this film did, however, receive a 5/5 rating from a user on Amazon.co.uk.
The user says: “No matter how zany and crazy the antics of Artie and his college buddies get, you never lose sight of the love story that lies beneath. “Artie” a.k.a. F.A.R.T. The Movie is a perfect blend of contrasts, from its ability to have a really funny fart sequence share the same scene with some very touching dialog to having some very talented new-comers work seamlessly along side some very seasoned actors.”
To put this in context: 5/5 was the score this user gave the film. That score pretty much places this film up there with the greatest films ever made. F.A.R.T. The Movie, a tale of sex, love and fart has been awarded a 5/5 star rating, which means that this person feels that there was absolutely no room for improvement. When they made this film, F.A.R.T. The Movie, this user believes that the filmmakers created something quite exceptional. 5/5 they felt it deserved. The way the director mixed gratuitous fart gags with a heartfelt love story founded on humiliation and lust — the rich tapestry of humour and emotion — it was almost too much.
Well, it wasn’t too much for this user because he’s awarded it 5/5, the best possible score a film can get.
Now, I don’t tend to give out marks out of 5, but if I had to, I probably wouldn’t give this film a 5/5. Possibly, if I was feeling generous, I might give it a 2/5. And if I was feeling really generous I might make up my own rating system and award it 5 farts out of 5, which, if you were to convert that to the Amazon rating system, would loosely add up to 2/5.
Writer & Director: Matt Berman.
Cast: Seth Walther, Kevin P. Farley, Heather McComb, Christine Steel, John Farley, Rance Howard, Royce D. Applegate, Leslie Easterbrook.