A friend of mine bought Blood Gnome in TESCOs, roughly 6-7 years ago. Apparently, judging it purely on the DVD cover, he was under the impression that it might be a good film, despite the fact that it’s called Blood Gnome, and despite the fact that the back of DVD box boasts that the film is a “sexy horrific ride” (“sexy” referring to the gratuitous use of boobtography throughout the film and the “horrific ride” part referring to, well, the rest of the film).
From first impressions, Blood Gnome looks like a fairly innocent Gremlins rip-off, but it isn’t. Blood Gnome almost immediately establishes itself as something much darker, and within the first five or so minutes of the film the viewer is already confronted with the horrific image of a giant, angry vagina that lives in a box and has teeth. Oh, and the vagina has a name — Mother, presumably because it has a tendency to spew out a couple of flesh-eating, invisible-to-the-human-eye gnomes every time is feeds. You know, like a mother.
And just in case an over-grown, animated vaginal creature that feeds and spawns gnomes from time to time wasn’t enough to sustain an entire feature-length film, the director and writer of Blood Gnome has introduced BDSM to the mix and a half-assed plot about a drug that’s made with the funky translucent mucus that the vagina discharges every it ejects a gnome. It’s called X times 10 and it’s apparently 10 times more intense than ecstasy.
10 times more intense that ecstasy, yes, but made from dried vagina slime, so…so yeah. It’s swings and roundabouts, really.
Mother is kept by a women called Elandra, who, apart from collecting any gnomes that happen to pop out, also appears to be in charge of feeding her and distributing X times 10 to slack-jawed drug dealers. I’m assuming the drug dealers don’t know that what they’re buying comes from the mouth of a vagina, otherwise, that’s kind of disgusting.
“You got any, uh, weed?”
“You know — any, uh, weed.”
“No, man, this shit’s much better. You like vagina?”
“Do you like vagina?”
“Uh, well — I mean, I guess so.”
“Well, this shit comes from a giant, angry, discharging vagina with teeth and shit — hey, where’d he go?
The protagonist in Blood Gnome is a crime scene photographer named Daniel, who looks like what Louis Theroux might vaguely resemble if he were to be beaten repeatedly round the head with a roll of BacoFoil for a couple of hours. While the film only touches on it, Daniel is supposed to have recently undergone some sort of emotional turmoil. There are number of references to a dark time he is said to have had several months earlier, which, I’m assuming, is why he’s chosen to hang a picture of his dead wife’s corpse on his wall – an image he uses to break the ice when he invites women around to his apartment.
Some signs of madness have clearly remained (as evidenced by the picture above) and he appears to have a bizarre fascination with mugs. He has dozens of things lying around his festering bachelor pit of home, which he occasionally uses as ammunition against the invisible gnomes that torment him throughout the film. Strangely, though, rather than being scared by the gnomes, Daniel only seems to find their presence mildly irritating.
While taking photographs of the bodies of people who have been killed by BDSM-hating gnomes, Daniel meets a BDSM practitioner by the name Divinity, who’s Argos’ answer to Juliette Lewis.
Wanting to know more about BDSM, Daniel asks to meet up with Divinity, who is only too happy teach him the ins and outs – pardon the expression.
At first he just awkwardly watches from a distance, but Divinity eventually persuades him to join in, which is unsurprising; he emits this creepy vibe that suggests that he’s probably the kind of person who likes to slide their thumb up the other person’s anus during sex or clamp his own balls in a vice in the name of sexual gratification. In fact, BDSM seems kind of tame for the kind of sick shit I was expecting him to be into. In all honesty, I was surprised to find out that he wasn’t romantically involved with the many mugs he has lying around his house or that he wasn’t in someway responsible for the existence of the freaky, giant vagina in a box.
As well as asking Divinity, Daniel also consults the Internet for information, specifically a chatroom on a site called Whips & Chains.
Unfortunately, Daniel doesn’t have much luck. HA HA HA HA HA HA.
As the film progresses, Daniel descends into madness, so much so that he ends up taking a bite out of one of the invisible gnomes. For no reason at all, this allows him to see the gnomes. Suddenly he’s running around town pointing and yelling things like, “They’re everywhere! There’s one! Oh, God, they’re everywhere! No!” which, as you can imagine, starts to alarm people somewhat.
During this time, Daniel kicks one of the gnomes in the testes, causing it to collapse. Defeated and clenching it’s non-existent gnome balls, the gnome lands on the floor.
This is the best thing in the entire film.
The gnomes (or possibly Elandra) contact Daniel via instant messenger to inform him they’ve sent out emails anonymously inviting members of the BDSM community to one giant fuck fest.
Daniel turns up to the party, flapping his arms and stamping on the floor. Naturally, the attendees aren’t very impressed and decided to restrain him by tying him to a chair.
Julie Strain, The Porcelain Twins and a gothic magician are at the party. Now, that might not mean much to you, but the “Making Of…” featurette (yes, there’s a “Making Of…” featurette) assures me that it is a big deal.
So as Daniel sits there, tied to a wooden sex chair, the gnomes set to work, indulging on the body’s of latex-wearing BDSMers. Elandra has captured Divinity and she appears, presumably, to rub it in his face a bit.
I’d rather not spoil the ending, but lets just say Daniel manages to escape from the chair, save Divinity and then end up falling into the giant, bottomless vagina with her, possibly for eternity.
So a pretty standard BDSM gnome flick then.
Bearing all of what you’ve just read in mind, let me remind you that this film was for sale in TESCOs. Imagine, for a moment, seeing this film about BDSM and a carnivorous vagina that gives birth to flesh-eating gnomes babies, next to the films you generally find in TESCOs, like Geri Halliwell’s Yoga, P.S I Love You or 300. Now imagine all of the people who picked this up, saw the album artwork, read the title of the film and the tagline “a sexy horrific ride” and then walked over the counter to pay for Blood Gnome, a film about BDSM and a carnivorous vagina that gives birth to flesh-eating gnomes babies.
What happened exactly? How did this make it onto the shelves of TESCOs?
To be honest, though, despite the fact that this film is essentially about BDSM and a carnivorous vagina that gives birth to flesh-eating gnomes babies, I have to say that it really wasn’t that bad. I mean, it was awful, obviously, but considering I’d been forewarned that it was a “sexy horrific ride” and that it was called Blood Gnome, I can’t really complain. It exceeded my expectations, at least — my incredibly low expectations.
Writer & Director: John Lechago.
Cast: Vinnie Bilancio, Melissa Pursley, Ri Walton, Julie Strain, Scott Evangelista, Elizabeth Hayden Smith, Al Burke.
Fans of Blood Gnome take note: “Blood Gnome 2: The Vagina Strikes Back”.