Jamie Oliver’s Monkey Tennis


Dear Channel 4,

I had that dream again.

I’d just like to tell you how grateful I am that you’ve decided to turn my Jamie’s Dream School idea into a series, which, you might be interested to know, was based on a daydream I had whilst staring at some discarded condom wrappers I found next to a lay-by (good idea for a series). Evidently you will make anything I crap out into telly. Thank you.

I’ve actually come up with some more ideas that I’ve written down in my Jamie’s dream pad if you’re interested. I think I’ve really struck gold this time. I hope you guys like them.

This first one is probably my favourite; it’s called Jamie’s African Adventure. It’s me going to Africa and telling people what to eat. I could show them what’s in chicken nuggets and then berate the ones who refuse to live under my anti-nugget regime.

The second one is called Jamie’s Space Base in which I, Jamie Oliver, move a bunch of people to space where I then force them to live there forever eating Jamie Oliver Space Dinners.

I’ve attached some illustrations if you’re interested.

Another idea that I’ve written down in my pad: Jamie’s Big Sausage Pizza. That one’s just a title really.

Another: Jamie’s Robot Kingdom, in which I build a kingdom of robots and then tell them what to eat. I like robots and think about them quite a lot, especially when I’m cooking.

Jamie’s Supertramp where I investigate the music of the band Supertramp. You could show me on wikipedia looking up what the band members are called. I’ve often wondered if they’re still going. Are they? I’d like to know and this is a good opportunity for me to find out.

This one’s for late-night TV. I call it Jamie: Under the Covers or possibly Jamie XXX and it’s me investigating the sex lives of the public. I watch ‘em doing it and I criticise them and offer pointers afterwards. Perhaps I could show them what is inside balls or tits. I’ve often wondered myself.

Finally, Live with Jamie is one I’ve recently dreamed up. It involves me introducing, cooking and performing with all the great bands. Toploader definitely seemed up for it.

I guess that’s it. Hopefully you’ll commission all of those, as you always seem to do.

I’ll just leave you with a few more titles that I wasn’t that sure on, but that you’ll probably still be interested in. Let me know what you think.

Jamie’s Cat Farm
Jamie Plays God
Jamie’s Jamie’s (Recurring…)
Jamie’s Electric Kettle Machine
Jamie’s Patisserie Motorway

Yours faithfully,

Jamie Oliver

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