Oven Defecation

I thought I’d share a story that I heard the other day, but I should probably point out that, while it’s a true story, it’s not a nice one.

It’s the story of a shy, socially awkward 20-something, who attended a party and knew few people there. He was flustered and uncomfortable with his surroundings, and in a momentary laps of sanity, he did something foolish: he decided to express his displeasure by defecating in the oven, secretly, before leaving, undetected.

Only later, when the oven’s owners went to use the oven, was the protest found and destroyed.

“Why?” and “How” are the questions that I’d like answered. Why would you do such a thing and how was this done? The truly puzzling factor here is that, at at least one moment in time, this must’ve seemed like a good idea. There must have been a moment where the culprit envisioned some sort of positive outcome, even if it was at other people’s expense.

I’m thinking of making Channel 4 documentary where I could investigate the incident. The culprit could revisit the soiled oven and try and explain his actions.

“This is it,” he’d say. “This is where it happened on that fateful day. Quality model, this one. A Rangemaster III.”

Psychologists would try, probably to no avail, to explain what the hell was going in the man’s head, and celebrities like Bobby Davro would share their thoughts on the man and his shameful oven surprise.

“He was the man who started the trend,” Davro would tell the camera. “He completely shattered the etiquette surrounding shitting in ovens. The Martin Luther King of oven shitting. He had a dream.”

Just a thought.

So, is this a thing? Is this some harmless faecal fun or is it really as deranged as it sounds? I’ve just typed the words ‘oven’ and ‘shit’ into Google and a Facebook reveals that an uncannily similar event has taken place in Portsmouth. What the hell?

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