So I awoke this morning to the sound of Wavin’ Flag – the “Celebration Mix” to be precise. If you’re unfamiliar with Wavin’ Flag, it’s a mind-numbingly horrendous collection of obnoxious noises falsely marketed as a song. Despite sounding like a euphemism for revealing ones privates, Wavin’ Flag is inexplicably popular with the masses, reaching the top ten in 6 countries and officially chosen as Coca-Cola’s promotional anthem for the 2010 FIFA World Cup. It’s also the official anthem of inebriated England fans across the country.
But let’s not forget all the other excellent England World Cup Songs this year, most of which seem to feature slightly overweight middle-age men wearing tight fitting England strips and strumming away on an old guitar they’ve probably had since the eighties, which is generally only reserved for particularly bad dinner parties and family events.
I wish I were joking, but it’s true. This is, unfortunately, the age of DIY music, where even a tone deaf bloated oaf can produce a top 30 single in their bedroom. Gone are the days when people like Eurovision hopeful Daz Sampson (widely regarded as the musical equivalent of Ted Budy) had to actually spend money on being awful. Now even Fabio (seen below), who apparently actually exists, can record himself singing like a diseased sea otter and compensate for his lack of singing ability by heavy-handedly glossing his recordings with insane amounts of auto-tune. Oddly, Fabio even uses auto-tune when he’s rapping, which if you ask me, seems like a terrible waste of bad technology.
I guess it has begun. I haven’t really been out for the past 3 days or so, but I’ve noticed the signs that a major sporting event is taking place. It’s difficult not to notice the empty streets and occasional drunk person staggering around outside my house. I’m not exaggerating. There’s been a fully blown drunk opera taking place outside my house for most of the day. Perhaps living practically next door to an off-licence doesn’t help, but people have been stood outside shouting and threatening each since roughly 12 o’clock. Only within the last couple of hours has the gallon of Lambrini they’ve been swigging kicked in and sedated them into submission, just before they started “Wavin’ Flag”.
Rather than watching the football this summer, I’ve chosen to spend my time religiously following professional football player and philosopher Cristiano Ronaldo’s highly informative Twitter page. Ronaldo dishes out regular bite-sized musings like, “I think Portugal is doing well. It’s true that we play a very tough group stage but this helps us to improve even more,” which I actually find quite inspiring.
Apologies for writing another post about football, but football and horrifically bad films have been the only two things I’ve had to think about this past week, so it was either this or a revised review of a review I’ve already written for Shark Attack 3. Although, admittedly, Shark Attack 3 looks like 8½ after listening to Wavin’ Flag.