Guide to being a Student: Part 2 – Takeaways

Students are like a goldmine to takeaway owners: a moronic cash-spewing goldmine fuelled by brightly coloured menus advertising foul dishes with names like “Meat Feast” and “The Big Dripper”. Menus appear so regularly through students letter boxes, they’re pretty much newsletters. Nasty, badly designed newsletters that rarely ever change.

In my local area, one of the most frequently posted newsletters, has a stretched and pixelated image of The Simpsons on it. Bart and Lisa apparently love their pizzas! If you haven’t guessed, that appeals to students, although I think The Simpsons is far too good to be used to appeal to that demographic. They should have gone with a spliff or some tits. How’s that, Spliff & Tits Pizza?

Student Pizza really know how to appeal to students by actually calling themselves Student Pizza. This targets that important and wide demographic of people who think, “Student Pizza, eh? Hey, I am a student and I like pizza. Sure, why not?” whenever they see a Student Pizza menu.

You might occasionally find that a takeaway might have a 2, a 3 or even a 4 after its name. These are definitely the kind of places you should be eating. Like my personal favourite, Kabab-U-Like II. The sequel to an exceptional restaurant. It’s nice to see that Kabab-U-Like has catered for drunk neanderthals by breaking the title up into easy to pronounce noises. It makes me picture a semi-functioning drunk 30-something, stumbling in to Kabab-U-Like II and bashing the counter and demanding a slice of rotating, generic grey animal tissue by shouting, “Kebab me like! Kebab taste good!” Ugh.

The menu for Kebab-U-Like II, and many other takeaway places, but especially Kebab-U-Like II, reads a lot like an Allen Ginsberg poem. There’s a fine line between descriptive and graphic and takeaways like to freely prance backwards and forwards across that line, thus sentences like, “Just waiting to burst” and “Extra taste” are included on the menus.

Personally, I’ve never been able to comprehend how “Just waiting to burst” could be a good thing, but then again, I’m not too keen on the names “Meat Feast” and “The Big Dripper” and they’re two of Best Kebab II’s most popular dishes, apparently.

So my advice to students: specifically go out of your way to find takeaways with numbers at the end of the title. In the industry (the takeaway industry, obviously), numbers are like big greasy, congealing medals. Generally, the higher the number, the more classy the takeaway, so be sure you buy your “Big Dripper” from a quality takeaway.

Recommendations: Kebab-U-Like 2, Chick Chicken, Chick Chicken II, Best Kebab II, Student Pizza, Student Pizza II,  Fat Mess’ Bar & Kebab 7, Buck Chicken, Fester’s Chicken.

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