There’s no way that Labour are remaining in power this time. They’ve messed with the drink. What did it ever do to no one? Exactly, nuffin’! It did nuffin’. I can forgive Iraq, but have you got any idea how much my banana schnapps costs now? More than it used to, that’s for sure.

This is what all the political parties are doing wrong. Offer for free a vodka and a mixer – or vodkanamixer – to anyone who votes and people will vote. Even better, scrap the political title and just advertise yourselves as a party. Just be sure people don’t get too loaded and forget to vote for you.

In a country that can hardly stop itself from talking about the weather and how Ashley Cole is a prick, it’s no wonder people drink Strongbow, Carling, Stella, (or anything else that tastes like it’s been drained out of a carbonated cesspool) and hope it makes life more interesting.

Some people take it a bit further and smoke weed, but being a soon to be ex-student, I’ve seen the dangers of smoking that vile stuff. Not that I haven’t experienced the positive effects myself, but all ex-students must be familiar with Family Guy watching morons who listen to the same two Bob Marley songs over and over again and hang weed paraphernalia on their walls.

No, I’ll stick with my WKD, thank you very much. If I’m going to poison myself until I can actually listen to someone talk about The X-Factor, I want to do it with minimal natural substances.

Alcohol isn’t just alcohol for many people, it’s a way for people to create a social identity. Apparently you can tell a lot about a person from what they drink. For instance, about a year ago, I bought a glass of orange juice in bar and a friend of a sort of friend came over to me and said, “Pfft, orange juice? Drink a real man’s drink, man.” Well, you’re drinking Strongbow, so…

Ah, remember that old scene? Gregory peck walks into a bar and shouts to the bartender, “Get me a can of piss.” I don’t know, it just doesn’t strike me as particularly manly, no liquid substance does. Gassy perhaps, but I don’t think that necessarily means manly. After all, TAB was pretty gassy.

If Gregory Peck or John Wayne drank Strongbow they’d probably have been too bloated to be tough guys. Just permanently walking around like pug dogs filled with radon; burping and wheezing every time their mouths accidentally fall open. Real men! Grrrr.

To avoid feeling like a bloated pug, fizzy drinks should be enjoyed in moderation, as should alcoholic drinks, for obvious reasons. But sometimes it’s difficult to know how much is too much. I remember watching an episode of BBC 3’s Make My Body Younger where a young man admitted to regularly getting drunk and drinking his own vomit. I think that’s taking it too far. At some point you’ve just got to stop and say to yourself – while you’re taking a big gulp of sick no doubt – “Is it really worth it?”

The odd thing was, his friends liked him for it. One of them even described him as “the life and soul of a party and a real entertainer.” Yeah, he should have his own show. He could come on, read his opening monologue and then start downing pints of vomit for 18 minutes. Then he could thank people for watching before closing the show with a few more pints of sick. He’s an inspiration.

So to summarise: drink is good. It not only makes you the life and soul of a party and a vomit drinking entertainer, it reassures people that you’re a man. In these times of political uncertainty, where we’re all trying to work out why we’re all so fat and drunk, it’s easy to criticise alcohol; but we should be embracing it. Why not take money from health care and put it back into alcohol? That way we’ll all be too drunk to notice or care.

Sorry, I’m quite drunk on Strongbow – very gassy. Excuse me.

2 thoughts on “Alcohol

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