Bold and Fresh Tour

That was scary. I just had this terrible dream where Bill O’Reilly was performing stand-up comedy in a horrific totalitarian, dystopian future. His face was projected on huge monitors and thousands of people were cheering and clapping at every word he said.

But it wasn’t a dream. It was real. Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck have gone on tour. You read that correctly. TOUR! Apparently that’s what journalists do in America, go on fucking tour. Jesus, Bold and Fresh Tour? That’s just a bunch of stupid buzz words some morons threw together to sound cool – probably Bill and Glenn, come to think of it. It’s like if David Dimbleby and Andrew Marr started a Sassy and Smooth tour, it’s ridiculous.

What’s next for Fox News, I wonder? Sarah Palin toothbrushes? Shep Smith boxer shorts? Ooh, why not implant a bullshit chip directly into people’s heads? I bet more would line up for one of those than people who bought tickets to this ridiculous Bold and Fresh tour crap: “Give me one! I’m a Real American. I’m a patriot!” *** Love America for just $50.99, folks!! ***

“Real Americans”, if you’re wondering, is what Fox News call their viewers. Only those phony bologna “Fake Americans” wouldn’t tune into the stream of consciousness – or torrent of crap depending on what way you choose to look at it – ramblings of Glenn Beck.

Now, my political opinions aren’t what make me despise these two pundits or Fox News in general. Regardless of what they preach – and I think it’s pretty safe to say that they preach – the control Fox News has, specifically these two guys, is horrifying. As even Beck’s fans seem suggest in a lot of the youtube comments, if Beck tells his followers to do something, they’ll do it.

Speaking of youtube comments:

“I wonder if Nancy P. and Harry Reed did a tour, how many people would buy a ticket??? Not many! lol I wish Rush would do a tour!” – davidrobinsonmagic

If Beck and O’Reilly have taught you anything, it’s that popularity and truth go hand in hand. If enough people believe it, it’s got to be true, right? After all, Barney the Dinosaur used to be very popular and he, if I’m to believe the hype, was a real dinosaur or at least a really big purple lizard man thing.

By Rush I’m going to assume they mean the band and not Rush Limbaugh. Yeah, Rush, with Geddy on vocals, Bill on drums, and Glenn on lead axe. And by axe, I literally mean axe. He comes on, has one of his break downs, cries, and starts chopping. That sounds pretty believable. We can’t be far away from the day he tells “Real Americans” to start indulging on the goo inside their heads: “It’s not brains, it’s patriot juice. Drink your bounty, America! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Drink your bounty!”

I think I’ve joked around enough, though. I’m only kidding really. I actually think Bill and Glenn are two of America’s finest comics working today and this Bold and Fresh tour confirms it. Glenn, as his fans (and probably himself) like to claim, is waking America up. From whatever way you look at it, it’s difficult to deny that he’s waking America up to the dangers of bad ass surgery, the wonders of valium, and the seriousness of mental health. For that, I salute the man.

Now before you buy tickets, don’t accidently type Bald Fresh Tour into google. It’s something completely different… Porn. It’s pages upon pages of porn. Now that’s something I want to see.

4 thoughts on “Bold and Fresh Tour

  1. You progressive piece a crap! You don’t like Beck? Then you must like the Obamanation! Boo. Bold and Fresh Tour forever.

    Seriously though. Funny stuff.

  2. This made me laugh so hard but at the same time, feel so sad. Bold and fresh tour!? BOLD AND FRESH? What the hell is that!?

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