I remember it well, and although I was, as some may say, “educated” in the science of reproduction, I had no idea it was going to be quite so intense.

I must have been fairly young when I lost my innocence. I sat, as I often did in those days, perched in front of the TV. Blue Peter was on. I was never really a fan, but it bridged the gap between CBBC and The Simpsons. If I remember correctly, it was a Christmas episode, which is odd considering the ending of the show seemed to have absolutely nothing to do with Christmas. I could have turned over. In fact, I’m surprised I didn’t. It was crap. But then, something happened which changed how my insides worked. I just remember my chest getting tighter; my voice getting deeper. It was as if I transformed into a different species right there in the living room.

I eventually found myself staring at something I felt I shouldn’t be staring at. It was confusing, unsettling, but above all, glorious. It was Angelica Bell in some kind of Indian attire. She had two things that, at that age, only seemed to exist in storybooks. I could hardly believe my eyes. “The legends were true!” I said moving closer to the television. I had just taken my fist steps into my new life as an adult.

Taken from Sharp As They Come.

“Really engaging stuff” says Heat

I reference those paragraphs (from my book Sharp As They Come, which you can buy either at my book signing on Jan 20th at the Leeds branch of Pound Saver or from sharpastheycome.net) because every time I look back on my childhood I tend to drift into a series of false memories made out of a mish mash of scenes taken from late ’80s and ’90s TV shows. I very rarely remember events successfully. Unless, that is, it’s that time myself, Kevin Arnold, and my best friend Paul from The Wonder Years stole a copy of Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask). Now that I remember!

Anyway, my point was, I like TV. So here’s some programs I used to watch.

Mike & Angelo

A theme that even to this day has the unique ability to prepare me for half an hour of utter boredom and nausea. This is on of those unique that somehow induces migraines just by being so monumentally dull. Listen to that theme tune. Just listen for a moment. Now, what the hell is that? That’s crap. That’s what that is. Suitable accompanying music for a depressing slide show of someone’s recently deceased dog perhaps, but not the opening of a children’s TV show.

What is with these opening credits? Are we to believe that Angelo came to this planet via a crudely rendered pyramid? I guess they used up all the production budget on that walking up the wall scene, and that’s crap too! They must have ran out of interesting footage, so they just spliced together clips of the characters smiling in a desperate attempt to make any conscious viewers do the same.

Alex Mack

So, why can’t you tell your parents again? And what exactly are your powers? The ability to turn into a puddle? That’s like an anti-power.

Art Attack

My favourite artists, you ask? Well, there’s Van Gogh, Dali, Bosch, Bruegel, Munch, Watteau, Magritte and Buchanan, of course.

Neil's infamous on-air breakdown.

Sadly Neil disappeared from our screens after an alcohol-fueled rage live on air. After applying the wrong brushstroke to what he referred to as his “masterpiece” (a paper mache fish), Neil swore several times before pouring PVA glue over his work and stabbing it repeatedly with a compass. Neil grabbed a gaint paintbrush, believing it was of regular size, and began waving it furiously at the producers, screaming, “I may be the size of a paintbrush, but I can ‘ave ya. I’m artist!” He then started feasting on one of Art Attack’s most popular characters, The Head, believing it was responsible for his immense talent as an artist.

Neil now works in retail.

Zzzap

The only children’s TV show to officially constitute as a valid defense in a court of law and the main reason I killed all those people that time. This show must have tortured millions of innocent kids back in the ’90s, but did any of them genuinely like or think this show was funny? No. The answer’s no. Everyone thought it was crap. Sure, you meet the odd person who says, “Zzzap? Yeah, man, that was soooooo brilliant. Like, that painter. I mean, WTF? And Daisy Dare, man. I’d totally tap that.” but they didn’t like it. Actually, now I’ve typed it out, I’m less convinced those people exist.

I can only imagine what ITV bosses made of it when they first saw it. They probably only aired it because they were scared what might happen to them if they didn’t. I mean, I only ever tuned in so Cuthbert didn’t eat me.

Baily Kipper’s P.O.V

Yeah, where’d you learn to cut up a dead animal like that? You’re really good!

City Guys

These were some of the urban beats I was chillin’ to back in the mid to late ’90s. Smoooth.