Top 5 Songs of 2009

1. Love Train – Varga

Simply the best song of the decade. I think I summed this one up best in my weekly column in Hoop magazine:

“As we stood there in the O’Tasimo Arena, Luxembourg, waiting for Varga to take to the stage, my hands shook. Varga was late, but as I glanced down at my watch for what must’ve been the 20th time, a new age wind blew restlessly through the building. When it had died down a piercing guitar riff silenced the excitable audience. We all knew what this was. Each note demanding to be heard, a spotlight fell on the guitarist. It was Varga. He was wearing his signature vest and levitating orb; his legs engulfed by a river of toxic love…

Eventually, Turk Richter (midi drums) set the pace. His chaotic rhythm was followed by Pedro O’Connor’s apocalyptic midi bass line and Michelle Ripples keys, which sounded like synthesised heaven. Varga walked up to the microphone with his fist pumping. “Candle in my window” he sang, pausing for a moment to make way for Dent Braxton’s intense cat playing. It was amazing. Never before had I heard such subtle penis metaphors combined with such smooth disco/jazz. The fusion was immense.

Just as the song showed signs of stopping, molten jelly was expelled from Varga’s mouth, showering the audience in an oily mess of smooth love. It was amazing. (5/5)”

2. Gucci Bandana – Soulja Boy

Repetition and midi piano have never sounded so fresh, and lines like “My chains say hello / my watch goodnight”  had me pumpin’ in da club all last year! Assuming that’s what people do in these clubs.

Soulja Boy’s lyrical style is nuts. And I don’t mean that in a cool slang way. It’s weird. Very unusual. It reads like the prose of a mental patient. It’s like scribblings on a men’s room wall. It’s confusing, but at times funny.

It’s Soulja Boy Tellem,
I fuck with Shawty Low,
I fuck with Rock Co.,
Gucci head to toe,
Chain on chill (chill),
Watch on freeze (freeze),
A pound a perk got me looking like Chinese,
Gucci Shades, but they still can’t hide me,
Hit the club, seventeen with no ID,
Damn! I changed up the format,
Welcome to my crib,
Leave your shoes at the doormat,
Uhh, and ain’t this B-Tight,
Chains say hello,
Watch say goodnight,
And I still look right,
This is the good life,
Gucci Bandanna just to make me look tight

3. Tik Tok – Kesha

It’s obviously a great song. I mean, it’s Kesha… duh. But one line really bothers me: how can you brush your teeth with a bottle of Jack? It’s worse than that Kate Nash. Lemons aren’t bitter – they’re sour.

4. Hold Me Close, Yeah! Just Hold Me Close – DJ Ironik Ft. & Chipmunk

It’s not ironic, it’s depressing. It’s despressing that we live in a world where someone called DJ Ironik can be successful. In fact, maybe that’s ironic. Maybe I’m being ironic. Sorry, I mean ironik. How ironik is that? Spelling it with a K. Ironik and clever!

Come to think about it, I love this song. The way they’ve taken a song, bludgeoned some well wicked software synths over da top, like, and repeated a pre-existing song’s lyrics over the top. I hope they return with more of the same.

When I first heard it, I did assume it was a recording of bad SNL sketch or some kind of rap parody, but no, they’re serious. Or they’re being ironik, I forget. I have included it on my list of top 5 songs of 2009, so that would probably mean I like it, but what you don’t know is… I’m being ironik… With a k!

5. I Gotta Feeling – Black Eyed Peas

I wonder if it was The Peas’ intention to create the offical anthem for twats getting ready to go for a revolting night of what they like to do best: “Okay, we’ll start with a couple of beers round Dacey’s house listening to I Gotta Feeling and then we’ll go to Oceana. When we come out, we’ll start a fight with people who aren’t lookin’ at us right and then grab a kabab from the kababy. After that, we’ll sick it up and have unprotected sex with some randoms we met in Oceana, then we’ll sick up again and pass out listening to I Gotta Feeling.”

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