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During the Christmas period, a time comes where I lose faith in the television schedule that BBC, ITV, Channel 4, and Five have so lovingly planned for me, so I end up turning to the Freeview and Sky channels for even lower quality programming. Thus I end up watching channels like E4, which primarily air Scrubs, Friends, Gilmore Girls, Friends, and Veronica Mars – the story of sassy college student who moonlights as a private investigator.

Having watched the show before, I tuned in for what I thought was going to be trashy teen comedy with a touch of seriousness thrown in for good measure, but I was instead treated to a tastefully written and superbly acted masterpiece in which Veronica investigates a series of campus rapes. But it wasn’t all doom and gloom. There were still a handful of hilarious jokes like this one:

Veronica: Great job, Dick. I’m sure you won that debate.

Logan: Well, he is a master debater!

Now that’s comic relief.

The episode opens with Veronica being chased by a rapist to the sound of Fat Boy Slim’s Right Here, Right Now – the perfect accompaniment for a rape scene. The show then flashes back to a few days earlier. We see Veronica’s boyfriend dump her because he feels she doesn’t need him, there’s some crap about the college dean getting egged for reinstating the Greek system on campus, and Veronica attends a party to check students drinks for signs of GHB.

It turns out someone on campus has been using GHB to drug girls, rape them, and then shave their heads. Now, I can’t remember what happens after this because I popped out of the room to get a cup of coffee, but when I came back, the rapist was talking to his unconscious victim like a villain in a James Bond film. He explained his motives or motive – laziness, basically. He couldn’t be bothered to put the work in and instead he’d rather just drug them or bore them out of consciousness by explaining why he’s so fond of rape. I mean, he really goes on. He better hope no one’s in the room listening to him.

Oh, no! Up pops Veronica. After fighting with the rapist for a while she manages to flee and find refuge in another student’s dorm. He seems nice and even offers Veronica a lovely warm drink. After talking for a while he tells Veronica he’s going to get a group of boys together to stop the rapist from boring even more unconscious women (I don’t even think he rapes them, he just likes to knock them out and boast about how good he is at rape). The helpful student then steps outside of his dorm, locking the door behind him.

Suddenly Veronica is overcome with crazy camera effects because, oh, no! There’s GHB in her drink. She manages to stumble into a cupboard and hides. The rapist and the student then come back into the room and we’re treated to some great acting:

“I thought you said she was in here?”

“B-B-But she was here a moment ago!”

(SLAP)

“You fool! Have you learned nothing? Rule number one of being a comedic rapist’s sidekick: always lock all the windows and doors to ensure your rapist friend gets… Oh, wait, she’s hiding in the cupboard.”

The final act opens with the two men finding Veronica. It turns out the student that helped Veronica out was just some sort of weird rapist helper. He doesn’t seem to want to rape, just help his boring friend rape. What’s in it for him, I wonder? Does he just want to hang around with a rapist who doesn’t actually seem to do any raping. Is that cool?

After getting beaten badly by a heavily sedated Veronica, in a scene that feels like it needs comedy sound effects and “Why I oughta!”‘s the rapist (not his sycophantic helper) steps out of the room for a moment and is greeted by a woman shouting “Rape!” People gather round and ask him if anyone’s in his room. He says something like, “No one… What are you talking abou…” and then runs off without even attempting a rape.

Everything comes out in the open and Veronica solves the case, making the campus a safe place to be once again. Cannon and Ball are arrested and put in what appears to be a rudimentary local jail cell and there’s a scene where that guy from “Just Shoot Me” threatens to shoot the rapist and his minion, but he doesn’t.

Finally, the episode concludes with Veronica’s ex-boyfriend smashing up a police car and getting arrested. He’s then thrown in the same jail cell as the two rapists, obviously, and gets ready to beat some rapist ass! Oh, yeah! Unless the two rapists beat him up… And rape him, if the slapstick rapists weren’t so ridiculously incompetent.

That’s it. Credits role to reveal the episode title… Spit & Eggs. Ew. And I feel bad for wasting valuable Christmas time watching Veronica Mars. Still, at least it wasn’t Dave.