Yesterday, I stumbled across a poster for an album by Nicki Minaj, a large-assed pop temptress who seamlessly combines both pornography with annoying noises to create surprisingly well-received hip hop music. Universal Music Group have branded the singer “Minaj”–an amalgamation, I presume, of the words “minge” and “vag”–because that’s what male listeners like, isn’t it?

Like the roots of a tree, her fingers intertwined with his. Ryan can hardly mask his disgust. In this loveless relationship, they feel like thin, Armani-soaked witchetty grubs, twisting into his palm like a parasite. The subject of children arises, but Ryan remains quiet. He has no desire to bring a child into this world—a world in which Ryan Gosling is celebrated as a fine actor, yet Ryan Reynolds is forced to walk the streets with such a foul human being. No, he thinks to himself, this is no place for children.

I’ll apologise now for making you think of Rush Limbaugh with an erection. To imagine Limbaugh ejaculating, I know, is to picture a particularly inflamed boil being lanced. Except, the by-product expelled from Rush is far more disgusting and foul. In fact, it’s called “Limbaugh” and it’s also the noise that he bellows when it’s produced (“LIMBAUGH!”).

Like all fulfilling relationships, Mark and Sarah’s began on a night out. Mark, a typical lad, took a shining to Sarah having observed that she had breasts and a face. Second only to meat and Carlsberg, she was Mark’s reason for living. Sarah even admitted that, on occasion, she allows Mark to penetrate her, with his knob, as she sleeps. In Mark’s eyes, she was the perfect woman, and therefore deserving of the perfect wedding. So with twelve grand’s worth of license payers’ money in his pocket, he set out to make Sarah’s dream come true. His only wish: that there be a chocolate fountain and hog roast on their big day.

My new least favourite piece of music is easily the worst song ever conceived. It’s by the singer William (or “will.i.am”, in lowercase lettering, as he chooses to be known) from the Black Eyed Peas. It’s one of many erection-based songs in the charts at the moment, and it focuses primarily on William’s own erection, which he boasts as being “the hardest ever”. In fact, William has christened the song T.H.E. (The Hardest Ever), having acutely observed that “The Hardest Ever” abbreviates to “the”.